The Here, Now & After
Chapter 13: Where All is Good
Misty Bottom welcomed another day. News about the ghost haunting the Chatty Goose Inn had reached the ears of Lord Sebastian Swiftwing, and his Lordship, a curious man, was as hot as mustard to experience the full phantasmagoria on offer. Partly, it must be said, because life had become rather mundane of late. It’s not that he didn’t enjoy pruning his much admired and award-winning roses. Nor judging the beautiful bonnet competition, or the glamourous granny goose contest, or even being invited to the several poetry readings organised by Celeste Wildcloud. Celeste had promised that there would be some ‘edgy’ poetry on offer. Edgy seeming to be all about geese desiring to live in a world of amorous austerity, and platonic lovers rejoicing in self-abandonment. Blimey! Lord Sebastian couldn’t help thinking that whatever that was all about, was actually all about Celeste.
But a little bit of edge was what he was after. The core of the problem lay in that he’d pranged the biplane, the result of a heavy landing on the front lawn, careening and smashing into the recently installed statue of Cupid on a plinth – which Lady Mirabelle had specially commissioned at great cost from Augustus Breastbeater, Gaggleton’s celebrated sculptor – leaving Cupid legless. A story that in time would no doubt bring a smile to everyone’s face when told. “I say! How did Cupid become legless? Was it because he’d been drinking too much,” cue falling about in much hilarity. Unfortunately, that time was far off, and Lady Mirabelle wasn’t smiling.
Lord Sebastian found himself grounded in more ways than one. His need for speed cramped, distractions far from plenty. So, the chance of a spine-tingling encounter with a ghost could not be missed. Across the breakfast table Lady Mirabelle had her head firmly buried in the latest edition of PLUCKED! The magazine’s front cover featured her Ladyship proudly unveiling the statue of Cupid. Lord Sebastian knew that he needed to muster vast reserves of humility to restore marital harmony. Along with a couple of as yet unformulated grand romantic gestures and a new set of chubby legs for Cupid.
Right now, however, he really wanted to get to the Chatty Goose Inn.
‘Think I’ll take a stroll into the village.’
‘Yes, do,’ clipped Lady Mirabelle, her head still fixed in the magazine.
‘See how folk are.’
‘You must.’
‘Are you still mad at me, darling?’
‘No.’
‘Oh, good.’
‘I’m furious. I’ll be mad later, how lucky for you.’
‘Terrific! And then tomorrow, all things being well, you’ll just be mildly irritated,’ said Lord Sebastian, who wasn’t always the best at reading his wife’s moods.
There was a sharp snap. The page of a celebrity magazine had never been turned with so much menace.
‘I’ll be off then.’ Lord Sebastian made his exit a hasty one.
At the same time in Audrey’s cottage, Aggie was giving Audrey and Anne the low down on Useful Pondgrubber and his dire situation.
‘An eternity of limbo,’ said Audrey.
‘You sure it’s not bingo,’ wondered Anne.
‘It’s wiggling yourself under a pole, which gets lower and lower,’ said Aggie. ‘Only Dodos like yourself don’t know this.’
Anne pondered on this. ‘No. That’s not right. What happens when the pole’s so low it’s on the ground. How do you wiggle under that? It’s bingo. Your hearing’s never been the same since that hailstorm, when you put that tin bucket over your head.’
‘My hearing’s twenty twenty, I’ll have you know. So stop mithering me! I promised I’d help him,’ said Aggie. ‘And that’s what I’m going to do with or without your help.’
‘Where is he now?’ asked Audrey.
‘Yes … How can I put this. He popped out of existence.’
‘Oh … It might be too late then.’
‘Gone off to play bingo most like.’
Aggie glowered defiantly. ‘Never say never when you can say something else.’
At the Chatty Goose Inn Lord Sebastian sat in the chair by the fireplace, where Anne and then Audrey had had their paranormal, and in Anne’s case paradoxical, experiences with the ghost known as Arthur Clanger. All Lord Sebastian was experiencing was disappointment.
‘This is definitely the chair?’
‘Yes,’ said Edmund Meadowmist. ‘Everyone who has sat there has felt the ‘presence’ in one way or another.’
‘Except me it seems. It’s been an hour and nothing.’
‘Let me get you another drink my Lordship. Perhaps if you’re-‘
Piiisssssssssstttt
‘I beg your pardon …’
‘Perhaps if you’re a little more-‘
PISSSSSSSSSTTTTTTT!
‘-relaxed.‘
The clanking and clanging started, noticeably louder than anytime previously. A blast of cold air brushed over Lord Sebastian.
Aaaaaaarrrrrrrthhhhhhhhthththoooooooor
‘It’s Arthur Clanger, he’s here!’
‘It’s him alright,’ said Sally joining them.
‘Chilly bugger, isn’t he,’ remarked Lord Sebastian, who didn’t look as thrilled as expected. Instead, his attention was on the fireplace as the noise came to an abrupt halt.
‘I’d like to have a look around the Inn’s cellar.’
‘What for?’ said Edmund.
‘To say hello to Arthur Clanger …’
Aggie, Audrey and Anne entered the Chatty Goose to find it empty.
‘Where is everyone?’ said Aggie.
‘Popped out of existence themselves?’ chirped Anne. ‘Had me an out of body experience once. I could see myself across the room, standing there swaying. Myself waved at me.’ Anne demonstrated. ‘Like this. It was amazing.’
Audrey raised her eyes in exasperation. ‘It was your birthday. You’d been at the Squelchy far too enthusiastically for your own good, and you was watching yourself in a mirror. What you was out of, was out of your mind, and we don’t think you’ve ever properly got back in.’
‘Useful! Useful Pondgrubber, can you hear me? If you can, come back to us,’ called out Aggie. ‘Come back to us.’
Nothing.
The geese looked to one another.
‘This’d be a deathly silence. Him being dead and not saying anything. Not sure what it’s called if you’re alive. A lively silence?’ said Anne.
Audrey stood in front of Anne to stop Aggie committing a serious crime.
‘She always picks up the bill at Muddy Puddles, remember this. Think cake, think calm.’
Aggie stalked around the room.
‘Useful. Useful!’
Then …
A faint voice could be heard.
‘It’s coming from below,’ said Audrey.
Lord Sebastian stood in front of a large copper boiler. Pipes snaked in, out and around it with an array of valves, taps, and cracked glass meters attached, all of which made up the Chatty Goose’s antiquated heating system.
‘Mechanical not ethereal. Arthur Clanger is naught but a leaky valve rattling these pipes and letting cold air escape-‘
Piiiiisssssssssttttttttttt
‘This valve,’ said Lord Sebastian giving it a firm twist. ‘And the air and noise travels up the flue to the fireplace in the bar, where it’s amplified. We’ve had the same problems in Swiftwing Hall.’
‘Not a ghost,’ said Edmund.
‘Not a ghost.’
‘Shame that. If we had ourselves a ghost it’d bring in the tourists. You know how folk like a bit of a scare, helps to sell more ale and nibbles.’
‘It’d put the Chatty Goose on the map,’ said Sally.
‘Ghostless. A shame indeed,’ said Lord Sebastian. ‘I feel strangely … bereft.’
‘Please don’t be your Lordship.’
Aggie approached flanked by Audrey and Anne.
‘Cos the real McCoy is hereabouts, ready and willing to step in and assume the role of resident ghost. Forever. His name is Useful Pondgrubber,’ said Aggie.
‘It was Useful who chunneled me, not …’ Audrey looked toward the boiler with its Gorgon’s head of pipes. ‘The hot water doo da.’
‘It’s to do with bingo, or if you listen to Aggie dancing with bimbos or some such,’ chimed in Anne.
Lord Sebastian smiled the puzzled smile of - why don’t you start from the beginning, and please make whatever you are going to tell me have a modicum of sense. Begin.
Aggie did all the way up to Useful’s vanishing.
‘But if he’s gone to wherever he’s gone, how do we get him back?’ wondered Lord Sebastian.
‘Been thinking about that. Audrey chunnels him again, she calls him out of the ether and Bob’s your uncle,’ said Aggie.
‘Do I have to? I’ve not had any breakfast and-‘
‘Audrey! You have the power. It’s your duty to manifest Useful, save him from-‘ Aggie span round to Anne. ‘DON’T SAY A WORD!’ She span back to Audrey. ‘To save him and ensure his gainful employment in these here premises. Are you ready?’
‘Since you almost asked me nicely, yes I am, I suppose,’ huffed Audrey.
Eyes closed, head swaying and tail wagging, Audrey reached out for the spirit of Useful Pondgrubber. He accepted enthusiastically, very enthusiastically…
Audrey began dancing a jig, wafting her wings gaily into the air.
‘There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said “It’s just as I feared!
Two owls and a hen, four larks and a wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard.”’
She jigged over to Lord Sebastian, squinted her eyes and shot him a serious look.
‘Tell her Ladyship this. If I know what love is, it is because of you. And don’t skimp on the chocolates.’
‘Oh, I say! That’s capital advice.’ Lord Sebastian beamed.
Aggie beamed. ‘He’s back. We did it! Well done, Audrey.’
Audrey flopped down onto the floor.
‘We have ourselves a real ghost,’ said Edmund.
‘Does he-‘ started Sally.
‘I do,’ said Useful Pondgrubber, materialising in front of everyone.
‘Button my stripey trousers backwards. You really are a real ghost.’ Lord Sebastian chuckled, bereft no more the day was looking up.
‘I’m one hundred percent spirit. Appearances to be negotiated with management. Eerie whisperings, shoulder taps, knockings various, groans, moans, maniacal laughter and generally putting the willies up customers as and when deemed necessary.’
‘Sounds perfect to us,’ said Edmund. ‘Very professional.’
‘Happy days are here again. When can I start?’ asked Useful.
‘Haven’t you already?’ smiled Sally.
Useful went to Aggie. ‘I don’t know how to thank you. You have my eternal gratitude, if there is any way I can possibly repay your kindness do tell.’
Aggie glanced over to Anne. ‘Well, about putting the willies up people …’ She watched Anne help a dazed Audrey get back onto her feet. ‘Second thoughts, forget that. As I said to myself before, whether you’re in the here now or the hereafter, it’s all about helping each other. Keep them words of wisdom coming and all will be good.’
‘Audrey needs a lie down again, Aggie. Can you give me a hand to get her home. When she’s sleeping we can drink her nettle wine, I knows where she hides it. Give ourselves a chance at a natter, which will be nice won’t it.’
Aggie smiled, all was good.
‘It’ll be very nice, Anne.’
The statue of cupid and Lord Sebastian and Lady Mirabelle’s relationship were both repaired. Lord Sebastian told his wife how much he loved her and didn’t skimp on the chocolates. He did, however, get the wrong ones.
TO BE CONTINUED…
In case you missed the beginning:
CHAPTER 1: Where the villagers of Misty Bottom have their feathers rudely PLUCKED!
CHAPTER 2: Where we find out that a little bit of Onkyye goes a long way
CHAPTER 3: Where Lady Amelia Loses Her Baubles
CHAPTER 4: Where Inspector Pecker Crashes Into Misty Bottom Society
CHAPTER 5: Where The Handsome Reward Becomes Even More Handsome
CHAPTER 6: Where Lady Amelia Gets Uppity
CHAPTER 7: Where Suspect Geese Get Grilled
CHAPTER 8: Where There Is Unbridled Joy
CHAPTER 9: Where Audrey Gets Tittle-Tattled
CHAPTER 10: Spooked!
CHAPTER 11: Wisdom on Toast
CHAPTER 12: Ghosts for Hire
Publisher’s Note:
Goosebumps is a collaborative Substack between the crafter of the geese (you can order a goose here) and The Writer in Residence (who is a writer and literally resides in this house).
This collaboration crosses (much like an inebriated person) the boundaries of reality and fiction and was born out of these toy geese’s unstoppable desire to become fictional characters.
Please consider reading the explanatory articles here and here if this is still unclear.
This is an ongoing labour of love, published weekly. If you want to be part of this wonderful and unplanned experiment, please consider subscribing to get the new chapters delivered straight to your inbox. Our work feels somehow more rewarding if there are people reading this and perhaps even enjoying it.
Thank you.
I didn't expect Cupid to turn up in this world, and to play such an important role ❤️ I'd love to see more statues in forthcoming instalments. There is something deliciously incongruous about geese and statues, nature vs nurture and all that...!
I had an existential meltdown as well and lots of questions about the nature of reality in Misty Bottom but I ended up simply enjoying it. 😅