Wisdom on Toast
Chapter 11: Where Audrey Flapp Is Ghosted
‘Ask what its name is, Audrey,’ said Celeste.
Now convinced that the Chatty Goose Inn had a bona fide ghost, Audrey Flapp, village gossip and self-appointed Ghost Flusterer extraordinaire, took a deep breath. Her moment had come.
‘Spirit of the Inn, welcome. Can we offer you a drink and a bag of salty nuts? I’d recommend a pint of Pecker’s Particular, goes very well with the nuts. On the house of course, I’m sure Sally and Edmund wouldn’t mind.’
‘We don’t. But I don’t think the spirit is able to … You know …’ said Edmund.
‘I know, I know,’ snitted Audrey. ‘It’s the thought that counts. ‘The spirit is a guest and deserves treating right and, if there’s to be no more interruptions, I’ll continue with the communing thank you very much.’
Audrey theatrically re-composed herself, a process involving much shifting in her seat, wing wafting, tail wagging and winking her right eye.
‘Spirit, by what name are you known?’
Piiiisssssttttaaaa…Ahhhhrrrrfffoooorrrr…. Ahhhhrrrrffffoooouuuurrrr…
The supernatural exhalation was accompanied by the customary sharp blast of cool air. Audrey’s eyes widened.
‘Arthur! It’s Arthur.’
As if in confirmation a cacophony of rattling and clanking erupted.
‘Is that the sound of its chains, d’ye reckon,’ wondered an excited Reggie Reedpaddler. ‘Having to drag them around for all eternity, doomed cos of the dark deeds it did. We should ask it about that-’
‘Quiet! I’m concentrating here,’ said Audrey.
The rattling and clanking finally tapered off to be replaced by a series of metallic clangs.
‘… Arthur Clang- No! Arthur Clanger. The spirit’s name is Arthur Clanger.’
PIIIISSSSSSSSTTTTTT
‘See! Yes.’ Audrey was in her element.
‘Oh, well done Audrey, said Celeste. ‘Now ask-‘
‘Arthur.’
‘Ask Arthur if he has any messages he wishes to pass on.’
‘For that, I shall need to allow the spirit called Arthur to chunnel me,’ said Audrey, rather self-importantly.
‘I think you mean channel,’ corrected Mrs Pumpleduff.
‘‘Chunnel is a higher form of channel, something only what I can do,’ said Audrey, not missing a beat, her bluster totally reinvigorated. ‘I’m a Flusterer, not one of them whatsits looking at big balls with fancy hankies and pennies on their heads.’
‘A medium,’ said Aggie Waggle.
‘Nothing medium about me, nothing at all,’ said Audrey, a fact which no-one would ever dispute. ‘And can there be no more interruptions, please! The spirit Flusterer thread is delicate and easily broken.’
Audrey returned to some serious seat shifting and winking.
‘Why are you winking?’
‘Aggie!’
‘You never wink. Well, except when you need to use the-‘
‘Will you stick a cork in it. I’m trying to make myself receptive, and you’re a big lot of mathering interference.’
‘Sorry for being me,’ huffed Aggie.
Audrey settled. ‘Arthur Clanger, is there anything you wish to tell us. Messages to pass on, any wise words of wisdom from the other side.’
Audrey was ‘chunnelled’ by the soul of a spirit from long ago. One whom had been closely observing events from far and wide, and partial to having a little bit of fun when the opportunity presented itself.
‘Audrey … Are you okay?’ said Sally.
Audrey shuddered as the spirit took over and began shooting out random gobbets of wisdom.
“Four legs a table has,” she said in the croaky throaty voice of an ancient sage.
‘Excuse me …’
Audrey fast turned to Sally.
“Stand by your man!” she blasted out, pointing towards Edmund. “And show the world you love him.”
Reggie was next. “The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.”
Clothilde, Reggie’s wife, gasped in amazement.
‘That is so true, Reggie doesn’t know anything. Nothing of any use leastways, it’s why I married him. You can never trust a know it all.’
‘Spirit, er, Arthur,’ said Edmund keen not to be left out. ‘Hi. Is there anything you want to pass over to me?’
‘Keep your pecker up and your eider down,’ said Audrey in a deep authoritarian voice. ‘There are words for all.
“Don’t worry, be happy!”’ she sang.
‘And for me?’ wondered Celeste.
“The public have an insatiable curiosity to know everything, except what is worth knowing.” said Audrey with a whimsical smile. She winked at Aggie. ‘You can put that in your pipe and smoke it, should it please you.’
Mrs Pumpleduff shuffled her ampleness over to Audrey.
‘Does Mr Arthur have something for me. A secret recipe lost over time perhaps, that he and his folk enjoyed?’
‘Yes!’
‘Go on.’
Audrey indicated for Mrs Pumpleduff to draw closer.
‘Butter.’
‘Butter. That’s it?’
‘Wait, there’s more … say again … ah! Toast. Buttered toast and … uh! Ma might …
‘My Ma might what? We haven’t talked for years after … after the incident with …’
All eyes were on Mrs Pumpleduff.
‘The almond blancmange. It was my fault.’ Mrs Pumpleduff stifled a tear at the memory. ‘Why I can never make it anymore. What is it I need to hear spirit? Don’t hold back.’
‘Buttered toast and Ma might go well together.’
Mrs Pumpleduff processed this. ‘Deep.’
Everyone else thought on it as well.
‘What if it is a recipe,’ offered Celeste. ‘A recipe for forgiveness.’
‘OH! Yes. Yes!’
‘This is marvellous,’ said Sally. ‘A problem found, a problem solved. By the ghost.’ ‘There’s nothing like buttered toast to bring people together. It’s the perfect peace offering. Thank you, spirit,’ said Mrs Pumpleduff, already making her way out of the Inn. ‘I must get the toast on immediately and get myself to my dear Ma. We’ll blancmange together once more!’
As Mrs Pumpleduff flew out of the door, all attention flew back on to Audrey who was suffering a supernatural overload.
“People only hear what they want to hear.” Blipple, blibble, blibble. “Gossip is what no one claims to like, but everybody enjoys.” Audrey cackled at this. ‘Very true, blubble, blurty my best stockings got durty …’ She slowly wound down like a clockwork toy. ‘Tired. Wanna … go … home … … have a … lie … down … have me … some bo bos …’ Her body sagged, her eyes closed.
Pissssssssssssssttttttttttttttttttttttt……
‘I think the spirit has departed,’ said Sally.
‘I think someone should get Audrey home,’ added Clothilde. ‘This goose is solid gone.’
Edmund and Reggie volunteered to ensure Audrey’s safe return to her cottage. Geese always take care of one another, it’s the way of Onkyye even if that way means that Audrey was transported home in the back of Reggie’s handcart. And the back of that handcart was full of rotting cabbage leaves. That Audrey would smell like a pan of leftover soup in the morning was a small price to pay for such kindness.
Aggie would call in later to check that Audrey was back to her normal, yet never medium self. But first she had someone to speak to, the raggedy old man from out of the village. Sitting quietly, he had been pretty much forgotten by most throughout the ‘chunnelling’. Except Aggie had noticed how intensely he observed everything, eyes darting from one person to the next, a little chuckle when Mrs Pumpleduff raced off to kiss and make up with her Ma – and that cheeky wink he’d flashed at her.
Time to prise open this clam thought Aggie. She picked up her glass of Squelchy, or somebody else’s, the only thing mattering that it was full and sat herself opposite the raggedy old man.
‘Not seen you in here before,’ said Aggie.
‘I might have been before your time.’
‘Is that so. Well, I’m Aggie. The pleasure being all yours to meet me, no doubt.’
‘I’m Useful,’ said the raggedy old man.
‘Ain’t we all, in our own strange ways.’
‘Useful is my name. Useful Pondgrubber, and it truly is a pleasure to meet you, Aggie,’ said Useful.
‘You’ll find it always is. I’m not one to disappoint. May I enquire what brings you here?
‘Employment. Full or part time, I’m very flexible-’
‘A man of your age, that’s impressive-‘
‘Reliable. Dedicated, hardworking. I have considerable experience-‘
‘What is it you do, Useful Pondgrubber?’
‘I’m a ghost.’
TO BE CONTINUED…
In case you missed the beginning:
CHAPTER 1: Where the villagers of Misty Bottom have their feathers rudely PLUCKED!
CHAPTER 2: Where we find out that a little bit of Onkyye goes a long way
CHAPTER 3: Where Lady Amelia Loses Her Baubles
CHAPTER 4: Where Inspector Pecker Crashes Into Misty Bottom Society
CHAPTER 5: Where The Handsome Reward Becomes Even More Handsome
CHAPTER 6: Where Lady Amelia Gets Uppity
CHAPTER 7: Where Suspect Geese Get Grilled
CHAPTER 8: Where There Is Unbridled Joy
CHAPTER 9: Where Audrey Gets Tittle-Tattled
CHAPTER 10: Spooked!
Publisher’s Note:
Goosebumps is a collaborative Substack between the crafter of the geese (you can order a goose here) and The Writer in Residence (who is a writer and literally resides in this house).
This collaboration crosses (much like an inebriated person) the boundaries of reality and fiction and was born out of these toy geese’s unstoppable desire to become fictional characters.
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