Chapter 5: The Swooning
Where The Handsome Reward Becomes Even More Handsome
As far as first impressions went Amelia’s sway and swoon into Inspector Pecker’s wings was top notch stuff, thought Lady Mirabelle. The revealing gown, and recovery more orchestrated than Beethoven’s 5th symphony, a masterpiece. Lady Amelia didn’t seek attention, she demanded it as a right.
‘Inspector Pecker, forgive me. I really don't know what overcame me,’ said Lady Amelia. ‘Perhaps it was you. The suddenness of your appearance, in all your feathered magnificence. Come to aid me in this dark hour.’
‘Allow me to get you to your feet. Then I can begin my investigation.’ Inspector Pecker smiled at the flattery. Not that he wasn't used to it.
‘I fear I'm still aswoon. Perhaps you could carry me to the chaise longue in the morning room.’
This the Inspector did. Lady Amelia gazed ‘aswoon’ at the Swiftwings without an ounce of shame as she was transported past them.
‘I wish our first meeting could have been under different circumstances, Inspector. I have long been an admirer of your detecting. But fate can be such a fickle pickle, don’t you think.
Lady Mirabelle turned to her husband. ‘So far so good. Nothing too outrageous yet.’
Lady Amelia walked Inspector Pecker through a hallway lined with portraits of her ancestors. Most looked in a state of permanent startlement, others had those creepy eyes that follow you everywhere even to the shops.
‘The family motto is Ad Piscinam et Ultra. To The Pond And Beyond. Not a terribly ambitious family I’m afraid, no reaching for the stars. Or maybe it was a spelling mistake and it was the stars … No, definitely the pond. The Swiftwings have a much better one.’
‘Ut Adstrepo Simul. We Honk Together,’ said Lord Sebastian proudly.
‘And you Inspector. What’s the motto you detective chappies have? Something pithy I’d warrant,’ said Lady Amelia.
‘An unofficial one, and nothing I could possibly repeat in polite society,’ said Inspector Pecker. *
Lady Amelia sidled up to him. ‘I’m not polite society. You must tell me, or I shall lock you up and feed you porridge until you do.’
‘If I were to tell you, my superiors would lock me up and not feed me anything.’ The Inspector indicated the Skydrifter family portraits, keen to move on. ‘The jewels …’
‘Yes. As worn by every member of the family since we could walk upright. So, the pearl necklace and earrings by my mother, my grandmother, my great grandmother, and …’ Lady Amelia stopped at a portrait of a heavily bearded man. ‘My great great grandfather.’
Great great grandfather Skydrifter was wearing, in addition to the pearl necklace and drop earrings, a large floral brooch and diamond studded tiara – along with a cheeky smile and a knowing wink. ‘Who, as you can see, is adorned in the full caboodle,’ continued Lady Amelia. She noted the look on the Inspector’s face.
‘Bisexual.’
‘I beg your pardon …’ said Inspector Pecker.
‘Bisexual.’
‘Ah! Your great great grandfather was bisexual … Yes?’
‘No. If he had been there’d be an annual celebration in the village, and a commemorative plaque erected. The jewellery is bisexual. Designed to be worn by goose and gander alike,’ said Lady Amelia.
‘It was all the rage back then,’ added Lady Mirabelle.
‘Misty Bottom has always been in the vanguard of fashion,’ preened Lord Sebastian.
Inspector Pecker didn’t doubt this. Events were turning ever more interesting. He’d had plenty of encounters with eccentrics and their foibles during his career, and harboured a quiet respect for them. Those gifted with eccentricity were bold in action and deed, leaders not followers and, like a good detective, curious to a fault. And Inspector Pecker’s curiosity surrounding the stolen jewels had now been piqued, time to get serious.
‘The jewels were kept in my drawers, Inspector. I imagine you’ve been through hundreds of ladies’ drawers in your time,’ said Lady Amelia. ‘Finding all kinds of strange and surprising things. Please be especially meticulous when going through mine.’
Inspector Pecker didn’t blink. Innuendo whether intended or accidental was an integral part of the job. ‘I shall be more than thorough.’ And was a dab hand at it himself.
‘I’ll also need to thoroughly rummage through your undergrowth,’ he said. ‘For clues.’
‘I’d expect nothing less. My undergrowth is all yours for the rummaging of,’ retorted Lady Amelia.
The Inspector smiled. Lady Amelia smiled back.
While Inspector Pecker went through her Ladyship’s drawers, cupboards, wardrobes, bookshelves, shoe, cape, scarf, hat and accessories collections, working his way through the villa and ultimately down to the undergrowth beneath her bedroom window, Misty Bottom was electrified. News of the great detective’s spectacular arrival had spread faster than butter on a toasted crumpet. Anyone who was anyone, and notably single looking to declare themselves such, was heading towards Lady Amelia’s villa.
The news had even reached the ears of Anne Oldfowl and Aggie Waggle. After exhausting themselves trying to establish whether Batgander, possibly Zorro or the Phantom of the Opera, could be the jewel thief, Aggie had shared her pipe and special medicinal tobacco with Anne.
‘He’s a true gentleman that Inspector Pecker. He could detect me any time,’ said Aggie.
‘Why’s you floating in the air, Aggie? Ain’t seen you do that before,’ said Anne.
‘You ain’t ever smoked my pipe before, that’s why. Give it another minute and you’ll be airborne too. It’s called getting high.’
‘Audrey, Audrey, me and Aggie’s getting high. And I can’t feel my beak … Where’s Audrey, Aggie?’
‘The sneaky goose! She’s gone snuck out to flaunt herself in front of Inspector Pecker. Before we can flaunt ourselves.’
‘And get vital titbits to claim the handsome reward for herself.’ Audrey sighed experiencing tobacco induced deep thoughts. ‘Left behind as usual. We’re just side orders on the menu of life.’
‘I’m more your savoury dip. Something to be relished.’
‘I’d like to be relished,’ said Anne wistfully.
‘I’m not one to be harsh Anne, but take it from me. You’re past your relishing date. Now, hitch up your unmentionables and let’s go cut Audrey off at the pass.’
Amongst the shrubs and shady plants Inspector Pecker had found a feather. A fine feather and one snagged recently, a feather almost assuredly belonging to the thief. Carefully placing it into a pocket he narrowed his eyes for any further evidence. The snap of a twig made him turn.
‘Hello. Inspector Pecker. Is there anything I can do for you Ms …’
Audrey stood there awestruck.
‘Yes?’
‘Oh! My name. You want to know my name … Oooh, you have me there … I knew it when I left the house this morning. Must be somewhere about my person. The hat!’ Audrey took off her hat to check the band inside.
‘Yes, here it is. Made in Lower Midden. No.’ Audrey looked again. ‘100 percent heirloom linen. No … Well, it could be … But … No.’
‘Audrey Flapp!!!’
The Inspector turned once more, this time to face Anne Oldfowl and Aggie Waggle hastily making a beeline for him.
‘Audrey Flapp. That’s it!’ said Audrey.
‘A pleasure to meet you.’
‘Happy to be pleasured by you, Inspector,’ said Audrey, her feathers all a fluff.
This was top class innuendo. Misty Bottom was excelling itself and now two other of its illustrious citizens were about to join the fray. Respect where respect is due thought the Inspector.
All the ire Anne and Aggie had towards Audrey instantly dissipated upon setting eyes on the Inspector.
‘Ladies.’
‘Oh … Look at you. You’re lovely. Isn’t he lovely, Aggie,’ said Anne.
‘Very lovely,’ said Aggie. ‘Do you like buns? I’ve plenty in the oven, you just say the word.’
Audrey glared at the pair of them.
‘Hey, chill my bird. We’re high, been smoking a pipe with –‘
Aggie fast fanned a wing across Anne’s treacherous beak.
‘Ladies, I’m afraid you have the better of me,’ said Inspector Pecker.
‘Chance would be a fine thing –‘ Audrey quickly corrected herself. ‘This is Anne Oldfowl, and this is Aggie Waggle who should be minding their own businesses elsewhere. Whereas I am a witness,’ declared Audrey.
This got the Inspector’s full attention.
‘Tell me all …’
Audrey did, revealing a crucial detail missed by both Lady Mirabelle and Grimley the gardener. That the cape worn by the mystery thief had a purple lining.
‘Ah!’ said the Inspector. It was a very significant Ah! ‘This is most useful. I thank you Ms Flapp.’
Aggie and Anne had no intention of yet again acting as mere side orders on life’s menu.
‘Being a witness is all well and good. But what you really need Inspector is suspects,’ opined Aggie. ‘And here we are. People often suspects us of all sorts.’
‘We have been accused of many things, even murder. Aggie was overheard saying that she could murder a good cup of tea. And she did.’
‘I did,’ confirmed Aggie. ‘Went down a treat.’
‘Are these geese bothering you, Inspector?’ Lady Amelia’s head appeared through a rhododendron bush.
‘On the contrary. I’m enjoying the company of Ms Audrey Flapp, Ms Anne Oldfowl and Ms Aggie Waggle enormously –‘
‘He knows our names,’ said an astonished Anne. ‘How?’
‘Cos he’s a detective you cracked egg –‘ said Aggie.
‘- and their enthusiastic, and helpful contributions to the investigation,’ continued Inspector Pecker. ‘Ms Oldfowl and Ms Waggle have kindly volunteered to be suspects.’
‘How wonderful. Well done girls, that’s the Misty Bottom spirit,’ said Lady Amelia.
Anne and Aggie couldn’t have been any prouder. They had just been elevated to entrées.
‘It’s been a long day. Drinks anyone? Then perhaps later I could stroll you round the grounds, Inspector. We could tète-à -tète in the folly, should you desire.’ Lady Amelia magicked a fan out of her cape to waft around her neck alluringly. Further flirtation, however, was stalled by the arrival of the Swiftwings. The undergrowth was proving to be a very popular gathering point.
‘There is a large gaggle of ladies on the front lawn. Most lively they are,’ said Lady Mirabelle.
‘Whatever for?’ said Lady Amelia.
‘To see Inspector Pecker. And they are refusing to leave until they do …’
TO BE CONTINUED…
Note:
*Copto testiculis suis et premere duris. The unofficial motto of the Gaggleton Yard detectives. Not for polite society.
In case you missed the beginning:
CHAPTER 4: Where Inspector Pecker Crashes Into Misty Bottom Society
CHAPTER 3: Where Lady Amelia Loses Her Baubles
CHAPTER 2: Where we find out that a little bit of Onkyye goes a long way
CHAPTER 1: Where the villagers of Misty Bottom have their feathers rudely PLUCKED!
Publisher’s Note:
Goosebumps is a collaborative Substack between the crafter of the geese and The Writer in Residence (who is a writer and literally resides in this house).
This collaboration crosses (much like an inebriated person) the boundaries of reality and fiction and was born out of these toy geese’s unstoppable desire to become fictional characters.
Please consider reading the explanatory articles here and here if this is still unclear.
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What a romp! It rather made Daisy blush over here....!