Chapter 3: Red Herrings
Where Lady Amelia Loses Her Baubles
Lady Mirabelle and Audrey watched the caped, masked person run over to Lady Amelia’s gardener, Grimley, who was busy mulching the perennials, kick him up the backside, knock off his hat and finally scarper out of sight around the side of the villa.
‘That’s not nice,’ said Audrey.
‘Most certainly not.’
They hurried over to Grimley.
‘Are you okay?’ said Lady Mirabelle, handing him his hat and wishing she’d remembered to wear gloves today.
‘I gots kicked up the jacksie, M’Lady! Ain’t never had that happen when mulching before. Well ... to tells the truth it has occurred once or twice, but I was doing the compostings. And not by anybody wearing a mask. What’s going on?’
‘THIEF! THIEF! STOP THE THIEF!’
‘I think we have our answer,’ said Lady Mirabelle, recognising Lady Amelia’s shrill tones. ‘Audrey, please find Lord Swiftwing and ask him to meet me here.’
‘Do you think there’s been a robbery?’ asked Audrey, agog with the day’s never-ending thrills and spills.
Lady Amelia appeared at her bedroom window.
‘MY JEWELS HAVE BEEN STOLEN!
‘There has!’ said Audrey. ‘Did you hear that? Oooh! Who could have done such a dastardly thing? Ah! What about the caped person? Yes! Who kicked Grimley up the ...’ A significant look from Lady Mirabelle cut Audrey short. ‘Lord Swiftwing. Right away, M’Lady.’ Audrey scuttled off post-haste.
‘I’m coming, Amelia,’ cried out Lady Mirabelle.
Lady Amelia Skydrifter, Lord Swiftwing’s second cousin thrice removed, eccentric in degrees and best described as a life enthusiast, was in full flow.
‘There was a noise in my bedroom, there’s never been any noises in my bedroom since Bertie did the dirty. I stepped in. The window was wide open, wide open. My jewels, my beloved baubles, which are always kept in the dressing table drawers were gone. Gone!’
Lady Mirabelle placed a comforting wing around Lady Amelia.
‘It doesn’t make sense. We don’t have thefts in Misty Bottom, none that I can remember and nothing as audacious as this ...’
A sentiment shared by Audrey Flapp, Anne Oldfowl and Aggie Waggle. The three had gathered at Audrey’s cottage to indulge in two particular specialities of theirs; idle speculation and chasing rabbits down a hole. Aggie brought a box of home-made, beak breaking, current buns while Anne’s contribution was a flask of millpond hooch, that can be drunk or rubbed on one’s chest to cure fevers. Often both are recommended to be done at the same time.
‘Stealing ain’t done in this village,’ said Anne, pouring generous mugfuls of hooch for everyone.
‘That ain’t true. Gordy Flybye gone went and stole my heart when I was a gal,’ said Aggie.
‘Thinks he stole something else first,’ said Anne.
‘Time gone done and stole my good looks too,’ continued Aggie, oblivious to the slight. ‘And hang on a moment, Anne Oldfowl. Didn’t you have your boyfriend stole from you by ... oh, who was it now. Time’s stealing my memory as well, the bugger. Wasn’t it ...’ Aggie turned to Audrey.
‘All stealing of a different kind,’ said Audrey, quickly deflecting. ‘This is jewels. Pearls, rubies and diamonds. This is a heist!’
‘A heist,’ mused Aggie. ‘Then there’s bound to be ... What’s they say, oh! “A handsome reward for any information leading to an arrest”. Or such likes.’
‘D’ye think that’d be Lord Sebastian. He’s handsome,’ said Anne. ‘Very handsome.’ ‘How would his Lordship be the reward, you daft fowl?’
‘He’d be on loan from his Ladyship,’ said Anne, visualising things best left to her imagination alone. ‘Like museums do with valuable objects. Lord Sebastian, the object of my desire.’ Anne cackled madly.
‘It’ll be cash,’ said Audrey. ‘Lots and lots of Goosey Guilders.’
‘I likes the sound of that very muchly, Audrey Flapp. Me medicinal baccy needs a top up, sure it does,’ smiled Aggie.
‘And my plumbing needs a seeing to,’ added Annie, thankfully refraining from divulging any details.
‘Then ladies,’ said Audrey, her eyes lighting up. ‘Let’s get detecting!’
Back at the villa the Ladies Amelia and Mirabelle had been joined by Lord Sebastian Swiftwing. Brought up to speed on events, and having examined the crime scene for himself, he was as clueless just as much as they to the who, how and why of the matter.
‘A terrible, terrible thing Amelia.’
‘Whatever it takes I must have them back. They’re priceless. Heirlooms that have been in the family for absolutely yonks. There has to be someone who can help.’
Lord Sebastian looked to Lady Mirabelle.
‘Actually, there is. The very best person to help, and who as we speak is on his way to Misty Bottom. Indeed, if we were to step outside and look up, we should catch sight of him passing overhead.’
Approaching Misty Bottom at the breakneck speed of 15 kilometres an hour and at an altitude of 300 metres, was the Gaggleton Express Hot Air Balloon. Amongst the passengers being served champagne and tasty nibbles in the first-class section of the basket, was none other than Detective Inspector Percival ‘Perky’ Pecker of the Yard.
A living sleuthing legend and the brightest star in the crime fighting firmament, Pecker was a pretty decent chap all round. He sipped his glass of bubbly as he gazed down, the balloon now beginning its descent, looking forward to some well deserved rest and recreation. All courtesy of Lady Mirabelle Swiftwing’s generosity in recognising the great service he provided to the geese community. Perchance there would be an opportunity to peruse the local flora. If requested perhaps also a modest exhibition of Tango Milonguero, give those fast feet of his a work out.
Pecker accepted another glass of champagne, and caught sight of someone enthusiastically waving up from a lawn outside a pleasant villa. A fan he assumed, how nice. Pecker waved back, smiling in anticipation of a crime free few days.
The enthusiastic waver was of course Lady Amelia.
‘He saw me. He waved back. We must go immediately to greet him, acquaint him with the situation so he can begin his investigation immediately,’ she said. ‘How fortuitous his arrival is.’
‘Inspector Pecker’s arrival has been known for weeks,’ said Lord Sebastian.
‘It’s been front page news, Amelia. How could you possibly have missed it?’ ‘Things to do, Mirabelle, things to do,’ snapped Lady Amelia, wanting a change of subject. ‘Let’s get Pecker of the Yard onto this case forthwith.
Lady Mirabelle took a deep breath. Expectations had to be managed.
‘He may not agree to this.’
‘What kind of silly tosh is that,’ said Lady Amelia.
‘He’s here for a vacation –‘
‘In this investigation, the only person I want going through my drawers is Inspector Pecker!’ haughtily announced Lady Amelia. ‘Please ensure it happens.’ With that she waddled imperiously back to the villa.
Lady Mirabelle raised her eyes heavenwards.
‘This is not how things are supposed to go, Sebastian ...’
TO BE CONTINUED...
Publisher’s Note:
Goosebumps is a collaborative Substack between the crafter of the geese and The Writer in Residence (who is a writer and literally resides in this house), plus their son, who created the templates for the newspaper and magazine.
This collaboration crosses (much like an inebriated person) the boundaries of reality and fiction and was born out of these toy geese’s unstoppable desire to become fictional characters. Please consider reading the explanatory articles here and here if this is still unclear.
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Thank you.
What a romper! The plot thickens, as they say - I don't know where so much vivid characterisation and action come from, they seem at once easy and flawless and exceedingly complex. Thank you also for the recommendation although these days I am miserably failing all my readers and myself.
Absolutely delightful. More Audrey please, because you can never have enough Audrey in your life😊.